Hops and Box Office Flops

The Legend of Chun-Li – A Spinning Bird Kick to the Senses

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li somehow manages to be the worst big screen adaptation of the franchise. The 1994 film starring Jean-Claude Van Damme wasn't a huge hit and was most certainly not critically beloved. Thus, Chun-Li had a low bar to clear, but it still could not do it.
It made less money—$12.8 million vs $99.4 million—and couldn't even cross the 10% threshold critics set for 94's. It sits at just 5% on Rotten Tomatoes with a viewer average of 18%.
To quote film historian Leonard Maltin, "The 1994 movie was one of the worst films ever inspired by a video game; it should have been titled Four Hundred Funerals and No Sex. Yet this bomb makes it predecessor seem like Gone With the Wind."
Yes, it is that bad. Its script is bland; its characters are underwritten; and it's a martial arts movie where the fight scenes and choreography just aren't good. For a game known for its flying fisticuffs, that's quite a predicament.
Chun-Li's issues with what should be its signature moments is a little befuddling. It was directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak—who'd served as the cinematographer on several high-profile movies and had also helmed other movies in this genre. Not to say that Cradle to the Grave and Romeo Must Die are excellent or anything, but they're certainly more competent than this.
In Chun-Li, the action scenes are hacked to death, quick cutting from one moment to the next. And when Chun-Li finally unleashes her iconic "Spinning Bird Kick," it's lost in the haze of a diluted camera filter.
These problems are entirely attributable to the movie's casting. From Neal McDonough as an Irish M. Bison to Taboo (yes, the guy from the Black Eyed Peas) as Vega to Kristen Kreuk as the titular hero, it's sort of a nightmare. Their lack of training and martial arts acumen are far too apparent.
Save for Chris Klein, who's the only person who seems to understand the kind of movie he's in, as Charlie Nash and Robin Shou as Gen, the movie would be virtually unwatchable.
Robin, you deserved better. So sit back, spin-kick the cap off of a Tsingtao from Tsingtao Brewery, and polish up your Hadouken! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are taking to the streets to throw down with M. Bison and his magical tiger fists!
This Week’s Segments:
Introduction/Plot Breakdown – Well, it does have characters with the same names of their actual Street Fighter counterparts. (00:00)
The World Warriors Trivia Fight: Round 1 – I challenge Capt. Cash and Chumpzilla to a series of Street Fighter-themed questions. (1:19:20)
Recommendations – Next up: We dive headfirst into the fantastical realm of Azeroth with Warcraft! (1:34:57)
And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—Vega's terrible costume and more—from this week’s episode!
You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, and iHeartRadio!

Postal – Burn it All Down

Uwe Boll is infamous for his poor video game adaptations. To date, he has made over 10 of them—including BloodRayne and its sequels, as well as House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. Postal is his magnum opus. It's a giant middle finger to the critics who've lambasted his work throughout his career, and it pulls zero punches.
From an opening that pokes fun at 9/11 to Verne Troyer meeting his maker via chimpanzee defilement, it is as tasteless a film as you'll ever encounter.
That is clearly by design. Postal, the game for which the movie is based, is primarily known for its unfettered violence—think Grand Theft Auto without a coherent narrative to buoy its less seemly mechanics. It may have a cult following, but it was not what most would consider popular.
It should as come as no surprise then that the movie flopped. It, like the game, was hindered by its wanton nihilism. Released on only four screens in the U.S., Postal grossed just $146,741. It also sits at a measly 9% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Though it's not devoid of salient ideas—the dangers of religious fanaticism, for example—the execution never lands. And the movie pinballs from one abhorrent joke to another, failing to ever stop to consider how awful everything it's presenting actually is. Despite that, its failure did little to prevent Boll from continuing to direct movies—an oddity of the industry that will never not be baffling. 
Listen, you can watch this, but just remember: We did warn you not to. So sit back, blast open a Steel Reserve from Steel Brewing Co., and stay the hell away from Little Germany! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are smuggling a crate of Krotchy Dolls into the U.S. to prevent a country-wide pandemic!
This Week’s Segments:
Introduction/Plot Breakdown – How does one describe a movie that is in such poor taste? Well, we give it the old college try. (00:00)
Lingering Questions – Aside from the obvious, "why?" there are some actual questions to be answered. (56:03)
The "Raging" Boll Trivia Challenge – Chumpzilla challenges us to trivia centered around this movie, as well as the rest of Uwe Boll's schlock portfolio. (1:19:32)
Recommendations – Next up: We hail all the world warriors! It's time to fight our way to the end of our video game series with Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li! (1:31:02)
And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—the game that inspired the film and more—from this week’s episode!
You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, and iHeartRadio!

Super Mario Bros. – Flushed Down the Warp Pipe

Super Mario Bros. is a travesty. It reimagines the colorful sprites of the Mushroom Kingdom as a grimy, dystopian nightmare world.
It's an interpretation where Bowser has more on his mind than simple kidnapping. In this cyberpunk acid trip, President Koopa—played by Dennis Hopper as just a guy in a suit—has graduated to despot. He's a fascist dictator on a quest to ethnically cleanse the people of Earth.
This all may sound like an exaggeration, but it isn't. Super Mario Bros. is oppressively grim, rarely funny, and oddly horny for what is meant to be a kids' movie. Worst of all, it lacks almost any of the hallmarks of the storied franchise.
Sure, there are visual cues here and there; but it squanders the license in unimaginable ways. The familiar music is nearly nonexistent; the Goombas are ten-foot tall hell spawn with shrunken heads; and the Shy Guys are leather-clad freaks ripped straight from Mad Max. It's a truly mind boggling exercise in Hollywood failing to understand what makes a property so beloved.
They paid millions just for the rights to develop the film, and they bought it on the title alone; there wasn't even a script. So it's sort of hard to fathom how they came to this cringe-worthy amalgamation of ideas.
Audiences, critics, and the stars agreed. This film was lambasted. And despite being based on one of the most lucrative video games in existence, it failed to even recoup its budget. It grossed just $35 million on a budget of $48 million.
As for the stars, Hopper was apparently miserable on set, berating the directors for the constant rewrites and dearth of clear direction. Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo—who played the titular brothers—resorted to drinking to soldier through the madness.
We all feel your pain. But, sometimes, you have to see things to believe that they inexplicably exist. So sit back, wrench open a Pixels IPA from Seminar Brewing, and reload those Thwomp Stompers! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are heading to Dinohattan to de-evolve President Koopa and then dance the night away with reptilian strippers!
This Week’s Segments:
Introduction/Plot Breakdown – How far can a film stray from the property that inspired it? Well, we wish we'd never found out. (00:00)
The Shit Movie Championship Showdown – This is indeed a terrible movie, but is it bad enough to take down our reigning champion, The Adventures of Pluto Nash? (1:15:26)
The Super Mario Bros. Trivia Challenge – Capt. Cash dials up his magic flute to dazzle us with trivia related to this epic misfire. (1:28:00)
Recommendations – Next up: With the fungus of Dinohattan in our collective rearview, we sally forth to the baffling stupidity that is Uwe Boll's Postal! (1:39:30)
And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—the debauchery of the Mario Bros. and more—from this week’s episode!
You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, and iHeartRadio!

Congo – Smart Gorillas, Dumb Script

Congo, released in June of 1995, came hot on the heels of the mega hit Jurassic Park. Like that film, Congo was based on a novel by Michael Crichton. It was also a globe-trotting adventure big on effects and boasting aggressive animals to escape.
That, in essence, is where the similarities end. Those correlations, though, were enough for the studio to mass market Congo as if it were the next must-see summer attraction. They spent nearly $100 million burrowing this movie into the psyche of impressionable children; a number that was nearly double its production budget.
The campaign included a board game, multiple awful video games, generic action figures, and even a gnarly looking burrito from Taco Bell. In short, expectations were high. Yet, there was one inescapable hurdle: The movie just isn't very good; and for a film that sells you on murderous gorillas, there is a distinct lack of them.
Unlike Jurassic Park—which does its damndest to bring dinosaurs back to life—Congo fails to create that same aura around its gruesome gorillas. Worse, it doesn't really know what it wants to be. Marketed to kids, but written for adults, it waffles between tones, never settling on one for too long. It's poorly paced, nonsensically scripted, and under delivers on its initial promise of blood-soaked tension and terror.
There is no whimsy to these maniacal apes. Thus, a film that could've been Aliens in the jungles of the Congo is instead a half-baked adventure story, jam packed with overacting and bad accents. The latter of which renders it so silly that it may actually be worthy of cult status.
So sit back, sheer off the top of a Sonoran White Chocolate Ale from the Sonoran Brewing Co. with a diamond-powered laser, and stop eating our sesame cake! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are rolling up our sleeves to go toe-to-toe with some skull crushing monsters with an affinity for high-priced minerals!
This Week’s Segments:
Introduction/Plot Breakdown – Diamonds are forever; this movie's appeal is not. Yes, it is bad, but is it so bad that it's good? (00:00)
Fact or Fiction: The Lost City of Zinj – I challenge Capt. Cash and Chumpzilla to a series of Congo-related trivia questions. (1:00:38)
Recommendations – Next up: We begin our brave trek down the perilous road of terrible video game adaptations with Super Mario Bros.! (1:12:54)
And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—the extremely dated tie-in commercials and more—from this week’s episode!
You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, and iHeartRadio!

Orca – Death Fish

Orca: The Killer Whale is an unabashed Jaws ripoff. In fact, as the story goes, Dino De Laurentiis—the producer of this film and many others of note—made one request: for the writers of the film to find the biggest and baddest creature in the ocean.
They did, but simply having an animal that could best a great white shark did not equate to an awesome time at the movies. For a film centering on a vengeful killer whale's journey to avenge the death of his mate and unborn calf, it's rather uneventful. It lacks any of the tension that defined its inspiration. This could be solely attributed to its slapdash handling of the kills, or its lackluster script.
But the fact is: Orca, in its quest to best the behemoth shark of Jaws, never bothered to carve out a reason for its own existence. Audiences agreed. Earning just $14.7 million at the box office, it made barely above 3% of Jaws' total receipts ($470.7 million). Jaws, obviously, was beloved, so that comparison may be slightly unfair. 
To put it in a more even perspective, Orca's returns were barely a tenth of the De Laurentiis-produced King Kong (roughly $90.2 million). That film came out just a year prior in 1976.
Money aside, the movie was a critical bomb, as well. With 31 reviews, it sits at 10% on Rotten Tomatoes. And, in all honesty, that's probably right where it belongs.
Yet, if you find yourself in need of a preposterous film about a killer whale who never forgets the face of those who've wronged him, this is about the only one you can find. So sit back, utilize your second row teeth to gnaw into a Shadow of Death Imperial Stout from Snafu Brewing, and gas up the boat! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, Chumpzilla, and a special guest are following an asshole orca to the arctic for one last fight upon the seas!
This Week’s Segments:
Introduction/Plot Breakdown – What if we did Jaws, but with a killer whale? That is the question Dino De Laurentiis sought the answer to. We are all quite sure it is one nobody else needed. (00:00)
Lingering Questions and the Crusading Widower Challenge – After some final questions, Capt. Cash challenges us to identify the film starring each bereaved hero on a quest for vengeance. (42:40)
Recommendations – Next up: We trade the perils of the ocean for the horrors of the untapped areas of the African jungle with our third entry in the "When Animals Attack" series, Congo! (1:00:41)
And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—the haunting image of the rubber whale fetus and more—from this week’s episode!
You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, and iHeartRadio!

Con Air – Fly Hard

Con Air is the perfect example of mid- to late-90s action cinema. It's big, dumb, loud, boasts a script loaded with corny quips, and has a highly questionable sense of taste. Most important, though, it's a hell of a fun ride.
It's also part of the Nicolas Cage holy trinity of badass movies—The Rock, Face/Off, and this one—which were all mega hits, helping to cement his standing as the biggest star on the planet. His run from 1995 to 2000 is almost unparalleled. In 95, he won the Oscar for Best Actor. He then rattled off seven (nearly eight) $100+ million films in his next nine roles. The only outlier was the critically acclaimed and Thunderous Wizard approved Bringing Out the Dead.
Con Air; and, as mentioned above, it's great for all the right reasons and a few wrong ones, as well.
Its set pieces are devil may care master works of practical effects and a sheer disregard for their consequences. Casinos are plowed into by runaway planes; cars crash through air traffic control towers; and the villain, Cyrus "The Virus" played by John Malkovich, is put through literal hell just to die. At times, they are so manic that it's difficult to believe they were framed by the eye that brought us the timeless Rick Astley hit "Never Gonna Give You Up."
It doesn't hurt, either, that the cast is perhaps the best ever assembled for a movie of this nature. From Steve Buscemi as a mass murderer to John Cusack as a wise-cracking fed, almost every major role is played by a recognizable face.
The explosions and stars, coupled with Cage's just horrific Southern accent, are enough for you to ignore the elements that have not aged like the fine wine of the stunt work. Looking at you Johnny 23 (Danny Trejo).
So with that, it's time for the Jailbird to takeoff! So sit back, unshackle a Trejo's Cerveza from Lincoln Beer Company, and put the bunny back in the box! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are here to spoil Cyrus' barbecue!
This Week’s Segments:
Introduction/Plot Breakdown – Tough guys don't look at explosions, and Cameron Poe is no exception. (00:00)
Diamond Dog's Twisted Trivia – I challenge Capt. Cash and Chumpzilla to trivia solely about this action masterpiece. (1:07:39)
Recommendations – Next up: We return to the perils of the wild with our second entry in the "When Animals Attack" series, Orca: The Killer Whale! (1:24:36)
And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—Nicolas Cage's incredible box office run and more—from this week’s episode!
You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, and iHeartRadio!

Howard the Duck – Party Fowl

Howard the Duck is a mess. That's as simply as I can put it. And it was a high profile one for George Lucas, who shepherded it to the screen. What was originally envisioned as an animated project transitioned—becoming a live-action movie in service to a contractual obligation of Lucas'.
That term, as the pod has noted many times over, is a dreaded one. This duck wasn't roasted properly. Its script is not only unfunny—tragically so for a supposed comedy—it lacks an actual narrative; and it culminates in a third act as random as the appearance of an anthropomorphic duck on earth. Frankly, it's all wet.
Critics and audiences agreed. Howard the Duck left some serious egg on Lucas' face. It sits at 15% on Rotten Tomatoes with 48 reviews; and it grossed a paltry $38 million on a budget of $37 million. That is some puny-sized poultry.
It's failure also left Lucas' pockets bare. Worse, the poor director's (Willard Huyck) career flew south for the winter—an extended one. 
But, hey, Howard's trip to earth earned him a rocking credits song! And the disastrous film wasn't without some form of technical merit—even if that never came across onscreen.
So sit back, hook your space tentacle into a few Galaxy Drifter American IPAs from Pontoon Brewing Co., and play some righteous air guitar to the musical stylings of Cherry Bomb! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are priming the neutron disintegrator to blast the Dark Overlord back to the void of space!
This Week’s Segments:
Introduction/Plot Breakdown – We dive deep into Lucas' bizarre attempt to translate this Marvel character to the big screen. (00:00)
Our Overall Impressions – This is certainly a strange movie, but did any of it work? (48:35)
The Quacktastic Trivia Challenge and More Open-Ended Questions – Chumpzilla challenges us to trivia about the film, as well as the curious sex life of actual ducks. (1:13:15)
The Shit Movie Championship Showdown and Recommendations – This is not a good film. Is it bad enough to topple the pod's reigning champion, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, though? We debate. And next up: Prepare for some turbulence! We take to the skies one last time with Summer Rage with Nicolas Cage's bonus episode, Con Air! (1:34:33)
And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—how Howard's flop led to Pixar and more—from this week’s episode!
You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, and iHeartRadio!

Primal – Cage Exotic

Primal is emblematic of the current trajectory of the roller coaster career of Nicolas Cage. It's a low budget, limited release, born to be on late-night cable schlock fest that just happens to brandish some star power. Besides Cage—as big game hunter Frank Walsh—Famke Janssen, Kevin Durand, and Michael Imperioli also show up, hanging their heads in shame.
They are what make this thing at all watchable because when I say the budget was low, it's not an exaggeration. The white jaguar that adorns the poster is seldom seen. One would think that would be to the film's detriment, but its CGI commands it must be elusive.
Instead, Walsh's main foil is Richard Loffler (Durand)—a deadly government asset who promptly escapes and roams the ship with murderous impunity.
Their game of big cat and deranged mouse is the film in a nutshell. It's harmless, but it reeks of 90s sensibilities, as well. With a poor script, that even includes the required turn from an untrustworthy intelligence agent, there is little to enjoy outside of Cage and Durand's performances.
Durand relishes the role of the unhinged "winter soldier," and Cage—who literally appears to not give a shit—chews the scenery as a black market animal dealer who does not give a shit.
For that alone, it's worth a watch. So sit back, get your fangs into a Snow Paws Vanilla Milkshake Double IPA from Lead Dog Brewing Co., and stay away from those damn monkeys! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are feeding a prized jungle cat by luring a psychopath into our snare trap of doom!
This Week’s Segments:
Introduction/Plot Breakdown – B-movies' plots are generally lacking. That holds true here. (00:00)
The Official Summer Rage with Cage Quiz – For what was meant to be the final entry in our Nicolas Cage series, I developed a quiz dedicated to the bizarre stories about the man himself. (56:39)
Recommendations – And next up: We explore what happens "When Animals Attack," beginning with Howard the Duck! (1:22:25)
And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—the legend of Primal Rage and more—from this week’s episode!
You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, and iHeartRadio!

Drive Angry – Coming Like a Bat Out of Hell

Drive Angry is an ode to grindhouse cinema. A dead man (Nicolas Cage) breaks out of Hell to save the newborn child of his slain daughter — a child who has been kidnapped by a troupe of Satanists. Though a noble action, it's not allowed; thus, it prompts the Devil's "accountant" (William Fichtner) to pursue him.
Yep. That is the story. It's 100%, Grade A schlock. And its absurdity is bolstered by a legit attempt to incorporate 3-D thrills and bloody spills.
That's the fun of it. It came out at a time when distributors were attempting to reignite that schtick. Most films lazily cashed in on this premise, reprinting their films into 3-D without ever bothering to have a reason why. To its credit, Drive Angry really goes for it.
There are hands getting blown off, cars plowing toward the screen, and a gun fit to kill gods being unloaded directly at the viewer. It's loud, dumb, and somewhat fun. It's never meant to be anything more than that.
Unfortunately, that did not equate to viewers. On a budget of $50 million, it grossed roughly $40 million. It also received a chilly reception; it sits at 47% on Rotten Tomatoes with 122 reviews. The audience was less kind — 37%. Each of these is more than likely due to Drive Angry's sophomoric and often tasteless sense of humor.
But those numbers should not deter you from seeing it. It may not be prime Cage, but it is dealing death in all manner of gnarly 3-D ways Cage! So sit back, speed through a couple Battle Wagon Double IPAs from Service Brewing Co., and reload the God Killer! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are escaping the depths of Hell to take down a Satanic cult!
This Week’s Segments:
Introduction/Plot Breakdown – We put the pedal to the metal to assess this flaming car crash of a film. (00:00)
 Lingering Questions and the Like a Bat Out of Hell Trivia Challenge – Capt. Cash poses some final questions and then tests us to identify the character that escaped from the fire-filled pits of Hell to seek revenge. Bonus points were awarded if we could name the property they appeared in. (48:28)
Recommendations – Three-dimensional car combat is fun and all, but you'd probably prefer these recommendations. Next up on the final installment of Summer Rage with Nicolas Cage: Primal! (1:13:02)
And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—Fichtner's Buffalo fandom and more—from this week’s episode!
You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, and iHeartRadio!