New Year's Eve sucks. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Like the holiday itself, it's an exercise in excess—boasting an A-list cast, yet giving them nothing to do.
It's mind-numbingly stupid and obscenely scripted. The fact that it expects you to like these characters is, in itself, anger-inducing. You will hate these people. All of them, but especially Bon Jovi—who inexplicably doesn't play himself. Instead, he's a sappy musician named Jensen.
Honestly, the only way to get through it is to drink. Heavily. Drink like it's the countdown to the ball dropping, only it lasts two hours. Drink so much that you make out with a total stranger and forget that you ever watched it. And don't fear the hangover. Your headache from this movie's dialogue will be far worse.
With that out of the way, sit back, quell your oncoming rage with a few Enjoy By 01.01.21 from Stone Brewing Co., and toast to the end of 2020! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, Chumpzilla, and Mayor McCheese are zipping through NYC on Vespas!
This Week’s Segments: